What do you think of my story so far? Advice? Comments?

I really lived this. The description was amazing. I would only say that the Reference to the old man with crutches be left out. I believe that it is a beautiful Reference but a younger audience (10-20ish) might have the description ruined in their mind and try to imagine old people with canes. I really like the story so far though, You make me want to buy the book already.